Will You Still Need Me When I Retire?

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Pixabay.com by skeeze

When I get older, losing my hair
Many years from now,
Will you still be sending me a valentine,
birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

If I’d been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I’m sixty-four?

– John Lennon / Paul McCartney, songwriters

When I’m Sixty-Four lyrics © 1967 Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

 

Mattering vs. Marginality

Perspectives for Those Leaving the Profession

Adaptations of the article in PMEA News (Fall 2019) and the blog “Retiree Concepts.”

Do you feel “needed” and “making a difference” to others? This is an essential part of what author Ernie Zelinski of the best-seller book How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free emphasizes: “finding purpose, structure, and community” – goals for which your job and career usually provide – but are equally essential in retirement.

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“Work structures us and gives us routine in our lives,” says psychologist Louis Primavera of Touro College in New York City, who co-wrote the 2012 book The Retirement Maze: What You Should Know Before and After You Retire. “We plan around work. It is part of our identity. We go to a social gathering and people say, ‘What do you do?’ Clearly, what happens is people say, ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to be?’ The loss of identity is a major fear.”

Retiring is “a series of transitions,” says Nancy Schlossberg, a professor emerita of counseling psychology at the University of Maryland, and now of Sarasota, Fla., where she is a consultant and public speaker on life transitions. “Change is very unsettling. There are people afraid because they can’t forecast the future,” she says, and because they worry “they no longer will have a purpose.”

In her 2009 book Revitalizing Retirement: Reshaping Your Identity, Relationships, and Purpose, Schlossberg talks about “mattering,” which she describes as “the degree to which you feel you’re appreciated, you’re noticed, you’re depended upon.”

Citing the research of Morris Rosenberg and B. Claire McCullough (adolescent studies) at https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1983-07744-001, Schlossberg further defines it as “a universal, lifelong issue that connects us all.”  Her “four dimensions of mattering” are:

  • Attention – the feeling that a person has the interest of another;
  • Importance – the feeling that others care about what you want, think, and do;
  • Ego-Extension – the feeling that others will be proud of your successes and/or saddened by your failures;
  • Dependence – the feeling that a person can depend on someone else.

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Schlossberg also describes the opposing term “marginality” as “a sense of not fitting in,” which can lead to “self-consciousness, irritability, and depression. For some, these feelings can be permanent conditions.” Furthermore, “feelings of marginality often occur when individuals take on new roles, especially when they are uncertain about what these entail.”

Sound familiar? This might resemble that sometimes-tumultuous passage to and emotional ups-and-downs during the initial stages of “life after the work!”

Retirees, do you wake up in the morning feeling like you have an important part to play in the grand scheme of things? According to blogger Carol Larson and life coach Mary Helen Conroy, “During those early months of retirement, folks often try to figure out what their purpose is now that they’re not working. They wonder if they matter.” They view this concept through the lens of popular culture and the literature of transitions. You are invited to try their shared “recipe for mattering” in the Retiree Rebel free-podcast posted at http://www.retireerebels.com/mattering-matter-retirement-mhc-214/.

Dr. Amit Sood, author of the Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living, recommends to “treat the first year in retirement as if you are ‘interning’ to give yourself time to readjust and set new expectations.” So, seemingly taking his advice, plan a “break” from everything, take extended trips, tours, or cruises, and enjoy some unscheduled time… to literally “go with the flow.”

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Susan Woodward, now 75 and living in Tucson, spent four years of her retirement traveling the country in her RV. She visited national parks and the maritime provinces in Canada, and even spent of that time volunteering. What she remembers most is her first trip, when she headed to Deming, N.M. from Raleigh, N.C. “I had such a sense of freedom, empowerment, expansion. I can’t even explain it,” she said. “It was like the whole world opened up.”

— Alessandra Malito

But, a “traditional retirement” may not be for everyone. As Alessandra Malito writes in MarketWatch https://www.marketwatch.com/story/afraid-of-being-bored-in-retirement-consider-these-options-2017-10-10, “Some can’t wait to put in their papers, while others dread the day they give up work for fear of having nothing to do, and no meaning to their name.”

It’s true that retirement can be a dangerous time for some. Without a sense of purpose, the risk of depression increases, and what should be a relaxing time becomes an anxious one. Studies show that without anything meaningful to do, and “mental exercises” throughout the day, cognitive abilities diminish in early retirees. They should also engage in social activities and find a leisurely activity they can enjoy if they aren’t trying to spend their retirement years still working.

— Alessandra Malito

The good news? You have friends in high places… NAfME and your state’s federated music education association (MEA) colleagues who have successfully “Crossed the Rubicon” into an active, meaningful, healthy, and happy retirement.

pmeaAnyone contemplating retiring over the next three years should visit their state’s retired member section and Retired Member focus area on the PMEA website: https://www.pmea.net/retired-members/. Take a look at past issues of the PMEA Retired Member Network eNEWS, read the Ultimate Retiree Resource Guide/Bibliography (also posted here), and view the video How-to-Retire.

Finding purpose and “mattering” during your post-full-time employment years will be easier if you continue your own pursuits in music artistry and creative self-expression, as well as your support of music education – be as active as you want – but consider the value of a few of these Goals/Benefits of NAfME/State MEA Retired Membership:

What music teacher retirees need from their professional associations…

  • Recognition and archival of past and current professional accomplishments, assignments, interests, skills, and talents.
  • Sessions geared for retired members, such as nurturing expressiveness and participation in amateur/community ensembles, retirement planning, etc.
  • New “brain-engaging” outlets for learning, leadership, advocacy, “encore career” development, and service.
  • Discounts for membership and attending festivals, workshops, and conferences.

What NAfME and state MEAs’ need from its retirees…nafme

  • Mentoring of new/less experienced teachers
  • Advising “best practices” in curriculum, instruction, assessment, and literature
  • Serving as leaders or consultants on local or state councils/boards
  • Volunteering at local workshops and state conferences
  • Advocating music education to the legislature and general public
  • Presenting sessions at workshops or conferences
  • Conducting, coaching, or accompanying students at festivals
  • Assisting in technology, teacher training, recruitment, auditions, etc.

Yes, you do matter, and you have a lot to offer benefiting the profession to which you have devoted your life! Happy trails to all retiring and retired members!

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References

Jayson, Sharon. (2017). Are You Afraid to Retire? AARP: https://www.aarp.org/retirement/planning-for-retirement/info-2017/retirement-fear-fd.html

Larson, Carol & Conroy, Mary Helen. (2017). Mattering: Do I Matter After Retirement? Retiree Rebels: http://www.retireerebels.com/mattering-matter-retirement-mhc-214/

Malito, Alessandra. (2017). Afraid of Being Bored in Retirement? Consider These Options. MarketWatch: https://www.marketwatch.com/story/afraid-of-being-bored-in-retirement-consider-these-options-2017-10-10

Malito, Alessandra. (2017). This is What Older People Do When They’re Not Quite Ready to Retire. MarketWatch: https://www.marketwatch.com/story/this-is-what-older-people-do-when-theyre-not-quite-ready-to-retire-2017-07-07

Malito, Alessandra. (2017). Why Retirement Can Be a Dangerous Time. MarketWatch: https://www.marketwatch.com/story/why-retirement-can-be-a-dangerous-time-2017-09-18

Primavera, Louis, Pascale, Rob & Roach, Rip. The Retirement Maze: What You Should Know Before and After You Retire. Rowan & Littlefield Publishers, 2012.

Rohwedder, Susann & Willis, Robert J. (2010) Mental Retirement. National Center for Biotechnology Information: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2958696/

Rosenberg, M., & McCullough, B. C. (1981). Mattering: Inferred significance and mental health among adolescents. Research in Community & Mental Health, 2, 163-182

Schlossberg, Nancy K. Revitalizing Retirement: Reshaping Your Identity, Relationships, and Purpose. American Psychological Association, 2009

Sood, Amit. The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living. Da Capo Press, 2013

Zelinski, Ernie J. How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. Ten Speed Press, 2009

PKF

© 2020 Paul K. Fox

Retiree Concepts

Random Terms Re: Retirement Transitioning

dictionary-1619740_1920_stevepbThe “new” definition of retirement includes a unique collection of synonyms. Gone are the designations “seclusion,” “privacy,” “withdrawal,” “retreating” and “disappearing” based on archaic models of retiring when the average life expectancy at birth in the 1800s was 38 and in the 1900s was 47. (Merriam-Webster and others still show these words on their online dictionaries!) Now, some of the more creative descriptors for retirement are “renewment,” “rewirement,” “rest-of-life,” “second beginnings,” and “reinvention.” (Also see http://www.cbsnews.com/news/how-do-you-define-retirement/.)

In addition to these, there are a few nontraditional terms that may come up during the passage from full-time employment to “living the dream” (hopefully) in retirement. These will not show up in a typical book for retirees… but, understanding them can “make a difference” through this roller-coaster ride of coping with life-style changes/altered expectations, and finding creative new ways to self-reinvent and thrive.

 

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Marginality and Mattering

Do you feel “needed” and “making a difference” to others? The definition of “mattering” is “the belief that we matter to someone else.” This is an essential part of what author Ernie Zelinski of the best-seller Retire Happy, Wild, and Free emphasizes the importance of “finding purpose, structure, and community in retirement.”

“It has been suggested that one problem of retirement is that one no longer matters; others no longer depend on us… The reward of retirement, involving a surcease from labor, can be the punishment of not mattering. Existence loses its point and savor when one no longer makes a difference.”   – Rosenberg and McCullough Quoted in Revitalizing Retirement: Reshaping Your Identity, Relationships, and Purpose by Nancy Schlossberg (APA, 2017)

According to counseling psychologist Nancy Schlossberg, Rosenberg’s concept of “mattering” is “a universal, lifelong issue that connects us all.”  Her four dimensions of mattering are:

  • Attention – the feeling that a person has the interest of another;
  • Importance – the feeling that others care about what you want, think, and do;
  • Ego-Extension – the feeling that others will be proud of your successes and/or saddened by your failures;
  • Dependence – the feeling that a person can depend on someone else.

Although initially attributed to collegiate retention, persistence and “getting students connected” (https://sites.google.com/site/uscedco030/Home/theorist-pages/marginality-mattering-and-validation-theory-nancy-schlossberg-laura-rendon/schlossberg), Schlossberg defines “maginality” as “a sense of not fitting in” and which “can lead to self consciousness, irritability and depression. For some, these feelings can be permanent conditions.” Furthermore, “feelings of marginality often occur when individuals take on new roles, especially when they are uncertain about what a new role entails.”

Just like the sometimes tumultuous passage to and emotional ups-and-downs during your “life after the work?”

 

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PTSD

What does “post-traumatic stress disorder” have to do with leaving your job? Hopefully it does not apply to you, but…

If are among the surprisingly large number of music teachers who lost their job “involuntarily,” you may be undergoing the same “stages of grief and loss” often shared during the breakup of a marriage or the dealth of a loved one:

  • Denial (disbelief, numbness, shock)
  • Bargaining (preoccupation with “what could have been,” guilt, remorse)
  • Depression (sadness, loneliness, emptiness, isolation, self-pity)
  • Anger (feelings of helplessness, abandonment)
  • Acceptance (emotional resolution, healing)

checkmate-1511866_1920_stevepbFeeling you were “kicked to the curb,” “downsized,” “minimized,” or somehow “forced” to resign or retire comes from many scenarios:

  • Music or staff are eliminated from the curriculum or building in which you teach.
  • You feel you must retire early before the end of the contract to avoid losing existing medical or other contractual benefits.
  • While voluntarily retiring from the full-time “day” job, you hope to continue serving in the capacity as assistant director (marching band, musical, etc.), but are not re-assigned or asked to return.
  • The new head coach of the sport in which you have assisted for many years fires you to bring in his “cronies.”
  • The perception that the program to which you have devoted your whole career is being dissembled or de-emphasized for the next “flavor-of-the-year.”

Most mental health experts agree, you cannot self-diagnose PTSD. However, the “warning signs” are probably evident. If you are having trouble sleeping, difficulty with relationships, or find yourself feeling significantly depressed or lethargic, visit your health care professional.

 

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Losing old habits…

“Surrendering your urge to be an agent of change!”

The next retiree concept is more of a habit or tendency, something that those of us who retired from education may find it a little hard to stop doing at first. Among the core values of “moral professionalism,” we consistently seek ways to reform “the system,” much like efficiency experts. In other words, “break it if it needs fixed,” or seek new practices or approaches to solve problems. This means we seldom accept the status quo or “that’s the way it’s always have been done.”

I found that in my volunteer work, when I come up to a challenge like a policy that isn’t working, I look for better ways of doing it. Teachers always self-assess and seek changes for “the good of the order,” but these “systems” are not our classrooms. Educators were expected to “monitor and adjust,” modify our lesson targets, rip down old bulletin boards and put up new with more exciting media, re-write curriculum, etc. – always with the mission to “build a better mouse trap” for more efficient delivery of instruction to all.

comic-characters-2026313_1280_OpenClipart-VectorsIn retirement, this can be frustrating. You can’t tell somebody else how to run their operation. Some people do not want to hear criticism, nor do they care what your opinion is, nor do they want to change their traditions or fine-tuned (?) step-by-step procedures. You on the other hand want things to improve, e.g. better training, more consistent application of the rules, etc., and therefore you feel “unrequited stress.”

Throughout my whole “professional life,” I never looked the other way. I try to fix things. But that’s not everybody’s inclination, and the world is not going to come to end if someone doesn’t take your advice. As retirees, remove the unnecessary hassle. You have two choices. Resign from the activity, or step back from being its self-appointed critic, accept the situation, and let everyone go back to playing their own way in their “sandbox.”

 

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Caregivers anchor

Many retirees choose to be part- or full-time caregivers, perhaps babysitting or serving as the custodian of a senior family member.

If you are fortunate enough to have grandchildren (your own or adopted ones), enjoy them! Your generous super-competent daycare services may provide ever-so-essential attention to your loved-ones. “Playing with the kids” is wonderful for your own mood, perspective, and mental health. And, how many times have I heard the sage advice to “immerse yourself around young people and you will stay forever young!”

grandparents-1969824_1920_sylvieblissHowever, invest your time wisely. Retirees deserve a life of their own and opportunities for unstructured “time-off.” Don’t forget the other items on your “bucket lists” (like travel, “encore career,” and volunteering). Serving as your family’s childcare “safety net” is nice, but don’t let this schedule dominate everything you do in your retirement… trading one job for another… with no financial compensation (but a whole lot of fun, I know).

Sometimes the responsibility of taking care of an elderly family member comes to you unexpectedly (like an ill parent or grandparent). When this “all-encompassing” duty is thrust upon you, it may consume every free moment in your schedule.

This excellent advice is from the blog-site “A Place for Mom.”

Many of us do end up deciding to become family caregivers, a demanding role that often includes advocating for your loved one, coordinating providers, and performing home medical care tasks.

In fact, over 65.7 million Americans currently provide care for a family member or loved one, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving, and 36% of those are caring for an elderly parent.

Being prepared for the role of caregiver means taking a lot of different factors into consideration. You will need to ask yourself hard questions about how your own availability and care-giving capabilities will affect your ability to provide effective care — for your loved one and yourself.

  – https://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/2-24-14-caregiver-questions-to-as/

Several of the “big questions” from their site:

  1. Am I financially prepared for the extra costs of care-giving?
  2. Am I really capable of taking care of Dad or Mom all by myself?
  3. Do I have the social support and resources I’m going to need?
  4. How will care-giving affect my physical and mental health?
  5. Will I be able to make time for myself and my family?

seniors-1505938_1920_geraltAgain, that focus on “first things first” (remember the book of the same name by Stephen Covey?) and “take care of yourself, too!”

In her book In A Different Voice (Harvard University Press), author Carol Gilligan describes the philosophy of moral development based on “evolving steps of caring.”

  1. Decisions based solely on care for their needs. (GOOD)
  2. Decisions based on care for the needs of others. (BETTER)
  3. Decisions based on care for themselves and others. (THE BEST)

As mentioned in a previous blog, we could all hope to prescribe to Kathy Merlino’s “independent-living manifesto” ― being actively involved in her children’s lives, but NOT leaving them the ultimate chore of “taking care of mom!”

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“Stressed over the season”

Finally, while we are on the subject of care-giving, here are a few links to alleviating stress, especially around the coming winter holidays:

Also, although I wrote my own blogs about “the happiest time of the year,” (see https://paulkfoxusc.wordpress.com/2015/11/29/tips-for-retirees-on-managing-stress-during-the-coming-winter-celebrations/ and https://paulkfoxusc.wordpress.com/2015/12/22/random-acts-and-other-resolutions/, I found more wisdom re: “stress for seniors.”

Best wishes for you and yours to enjoy the festive season and a Happy New Year!

PKF

© 2017 Paul K. Fox

 

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Photo credits from Pixabay.com: “person” by RitaE, “dictionary” by stevepb, “volunteer” by maialisa, “stress” by thedigitalartist, “checkmate” by stevepb, “head” by johnhain, “comic-characters” by OpenClipart-Vectors, “grandfather” by kko699, “grandparents” by sylviebliss, “seniors” by geralt, “shopping-mall” by stocksnap, and “senior” by RitaE