The Elephant in the Room: How to Prepare Your Family for “The End”
Expanded from the October 3, 2019 article in PMEA Retired Member Network eNEWS.
Few people want to talk about it… what co-authors Shoshana Berger and BJ Miller discuss in their book, A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death:
Passwords for phone, computer, email, and social media accounts
Instructions for your funeral and final disposition
An ethical will*
Letters to loved ones
* Where a legal will transfers assets, an ethical will transfers immaterial things: your life lessons and values. For a discussion on the latter, seek out the book Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper by Dr. Barry Baines.
Berger and Miller also recommended to purchase and set-up an online password manager to safeguard your data and share the master password with someone you trust. (For more info on password management software, read my “tech rant” blog here.)
With greater detail, we also learn from https://www.wealthmanagement.com/news/final-letter-instructions-family-important the importance of leaving a “final letter of instructions” to your loved ones. The website reports what Neuberger Berman Trust Company advises should be archived in a document to be read after your death.
The location of all estate planning documents, such as wills and trust agreements
A list of relevant advisors with contact information
List of other people to contact on your death
Location of any safe deposit boxes, inventory list, location of keys, who is authorized to open
List of life insurance policies, location and beneficiaries
List of bank accounts and how they are titled
Investment and trust account information
A description of other assets
Any debts or other liabilities
Listing of all credit card accounts
Inventory of other important documents like deeds and titles, and where they are held
Location of keys to all residences
Description of any pension benefits and who to contact
Instructions concerning funeral or memorial services
They add that this document should be held by your attorney, spouse, and adult children.
What would you say to those nearest and dearest to you if you couldn’t (or didn’t) tell them in person? Consider writing individual letters to your partner, children, or other family members “as a way of leaving a few last words.” Check out Frish Brandt’s inspiring website, “Last[ing] Letters.”
A Lasting Letter is a letter written to someone you care about, someone who you wish to hear your voice and read your words long into the future. Sometimes referred to as a ‘legacy letter,’ this letter holds the words that carry one’s voice forward in time.
The letter can take many forms: long or short, a memento of a moment or a history of a lifetime, a connection made or missed, an instruction or a confession, a love letter, and everything in between.
Each letter is unique: each voice, each intention is individual.
Book Review: I Love My Job But It’s Killing Me – The Teacher’s Guide to Conquering Chronic Stress and Sickness by Lesley Moffat
Have you read this “International Bestseller” written by a band director?
Where was this when I was still teaching full-time, managing a crazy 24/7 schedule of music teaching and administration, fulfilling a myriad of self-assigned extracurricular activities like band, choir, strings, fall play, spring musical, adjudications and festivals?
How many of you struggle to
Fall and stay asleep?
Avoid “brain fog” and exhaustion brought on by stress?
Alleviate (or ignore) aches and pains or illnesses that interfere with your work?
Reclaim and maintain enough energy to support your work and family life.
Resolve feelings that your life is falling apart or you are “burned-out?”
Well, instead of sitting around and whining about your hectic schedule or other challenges in your life, ruining your health, mood, and relationships with your family, friends, and students, or “throwing in the towel” and giving up altogether… take a look at this comprehensive guide to walk you through the problem — “baby steps” towards a complete self-care plan — providing assessments and action plans towards better personal health and wellness.
This blog provides a few highlights from Lesley Moffat’s work. You owe it to yourself to break down and buy this inexpensive and easy-to-read paperback! Although it is meant for individuals who are serious about starting a comprehensive self-improvement project, this book is not long nor laborious! With a supposed “read time” of 132 minutes (according to the back cover), I would devote probably a couple weeks to thoroughly consume it. For even more clarity, I have even taken to reading sections of it to my wife, also a retired music teacher! Both of us have “been there” in coping with many of the issues of job-related stress and life-style choices.
The Why — Chapter 12: “Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First” (Page 109)
After a quick scan of the first couple chapters, I recommend jumping to Chapter 12 to absorb the priority of “me first” in order to be able to care for others. I love the airline safety announcement analogy about “place the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others.” The central focus of her book, this is something I ignored for 35+ years.
You must take care of yourself. First. You can’t give what you haven’t got.
This is perhaps the hardest lesson of all, yet it is so important. Chances are you got where you are because you ran yourself ragged taking care of other people’s needs. I bet you never said no to requests to be on one more committee, drive carpool, watch a friend’s kids, and every other favor someone made of you, yet I’d also bet there’s a good chance you never take the time to take of your own needs. When was the last time you read a book for fun? Or went to a movie you wanted to see? Or pursued a creative endeavor that made you happy? Or any one of a million things you want to do? I bet it’s been a long time. — Lesley Moffat
What an incredible story! Lesley Moffat gets personal and tells her own tale of total exhaustion, lack of mental focus (she calls ADHD), numerous aches and pains, arthritis, weight gain, bouts of illnesses like pneumonia, restless leg syndrome (a sleep disorder), and migraines, needed medical procedures like back surgery, hip replacement, bunion removal, etc. At times, her narratives are explicit and most graphic.
This profession is hard. Until my generation, women weren’t high school band directors, so there were no role models for me to look up to when I struggled with finding a balance between raising a family and having this career path. I had to learn things the hard way and make up my own solutions when there weren’t resources for me to use. My peer group is primarily men. How could my male band directing colleagues relate to my struggles? They may have kids, but they didn’t have to spend nine months making those babies while teaching (an exhausting combination that cost me a miscarriage during a band trip), and then pump breast milk during their planning periods to feed each of those babies for the first six months of their lives. And how many of them had to ask a spouse to make a ninety-minute drive with their newborn baby in the car behind the school buses where the band had to play for basketball playoffs so they could nurse the baby in the bathroom when they weren’t directing the band? — Lesley Moffat
The good news? Moffat reports that after a long and often discouraging search to restore her health and vitality and “to get back to the job I love,” today she has found peace, health, and happiness, and is back in the classroom with a renewed vigor, on her way to fulfilling her personal and professional goals.
The What — Chapter 4: “Let’s Get Started!” (Page 23)
Lesley Moffat introduces her mPower Method (and a perfection alliteration) of four key components: meals, movement, music, and mindfulness. She says it all starts with administering a self-evaluation called the Mojo Meter (sample of the 40 questions below):
I have a lot of aches and pains. T F
I often feel tired after eating. T F
My memory doesn’t seem to be as sharp as it used to be. T F
Other people have mentioned that I seem down, upset, or not myself. T F
I experience a lot of brain fog.* T F
etc.
*She describes examples of “brain fog” more than a dozen times throughout the book. Do you experience any of these symptoms?
Brain fog isn’t a medical condition itself, but rather a symptom of other medical conditions. It’s a type of cognitive dysfunction involving:
memory problems
lack of mental clarity
poor concentration
inability to focus
Some people also describe it as mental fatigue. Depending on the severity of brain fog, it can interfere with work or school. But it doesn’t have to be a permanent fixture in your life. — https://www.healthline.com/health/brain-fog
In her Mojo Meter assessment, if you answered “true” to 11 or more of these statements, then Moffat responds, “I know why you are here… It’s time to reclaim your health and energy, so get ready to amaze yourself.”
The How — Chapter 9: “SNaP Strategies” (Page 79)
If you want to change your life, first change your mindset. You can’t find opportunity when you are looking for excuses. — Anonymous
Moffat’s “My SNaP Strategies” (Start Now and Progress) will give the reader examples of ways to develop new skills by changing habits one step at a time. Some of my favorites:
Take a break from social media.
Seek out opportunities to compliment others.
Allow someone to go ahead of you in line at the store.
Set your alarm for nine minutes earlier and use those nine minutes to listen to an inspiring song.
Turn off notifications on your phone.
In addition, she urges you to “do the homework” and dive into her Action Plans at the end of most chapters.
I Love My Job But It’s Killing Me Page 47: “mPower Method Mojo Meter for Meals”
More Sneak Peeks
Using the observations you made in the self-administered Mojo Meter forms, the end of Chapter 5 offers an extensive “plan” for evaluating and removing the foods to which you may be allergic. (See above assessment form.)
I can heartily endorse her suggestion of using a food journal in Chapter 5, keeping track of every food choice and “how it makes you feel.” My wife discovered her sensitivity to gluten, and removing it from her diet has made all the difference!
One of her funniest anecdotes described her first-days participating in a yoga class! (Chapter 6)
Do you have on-hand and regularly use specific self-designed music playlists for meals, exercise sessions, and getting ready for bed? (Chapter 7)
A simple definition (but not so easy acquisition) of “mindfulness” — “being fully present in the here and now.” (Chapter 8)
Check out her “advice for driving during rush hour” (Chapter 11), tips for staying calm during all stressful moments: slow down, simplify, sense, surrender, self-care.
On Pages 9 and 10, there are amazing “before” and “after” photos of the author!
Coda: Summary of Advice for Better Self-Care (Chapter 10)
Take deep breaths when you encounter speed bumps and stop signs during your daily commute.
Write a cover page to your syllabus outlining appropriate times and methods for parents and students to contact you.
Have a work space that is exclusively yours, including a “do not disturb” sign, closed door, and/or noise-cancelling headphones.
Talk to your boss about reasonable expectations, including how many after-school and evening events are anticipated.
Enlist the help of others (volunteers, boosters, etc.).
Start your mornings in a way that charges you up for the day.
Re-evaluate your work space and make changes changes that will be conducive for more efficiency.
Plan meals and make time to eat them.
Stay hydrated.
Incorporate time to upgrade yourself.
Ask yourself, “Does this choice align with who I am?”
Come up with a self-care plan that is sustainable.
This is just the “tip of the iceberg” analyzing pathways for improved health and wellness. We are thankful that Lesley Moffat was so bold and open about sharing her own journey. Everyone can “take home” the causation of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired” and wrap their arms around implementing new strategies towards a happier living!
Author’s Bio (excerpts from the book)
Now in her fourth decade as a high school band director, Lesley Moffat has worked with thousands of people, helping them not only achieve musical goals (including repeated performances at Carnegie Hall, Disney Theme Parks, Royal Caribbean cruise ships, and competitions and festivals all over the US and Canada), but also teaching them how to develop the long-term life skills they need to be successful in the world.
Lesley has been a presenter at the National Association for Music Education (NAfME) and WMEA Conferences, served on the board for the Mount Pilchuck Music Educators Association, and has been an adjudicator and guest conductor in the Pacific Northwest.
After completing her undergraduate degree at Indiana University, she returned to her roots and moved back to the Pacific Northwest, where she and her husband, George, raised their three daughters, all of whom were students in her high school band program. Fun fact: Lesley, George, all three of their daughters, and Lesley’s dad have performed at Carnegie Hall.
Now in her fourth decade as a high school band director, Lesley Moffat has worked with thousands of people, helping them not only achieve musical goals (including repeated performances at Carnegie Hall, Disney Theme Parks, Royal Caribbean cruise ships, and competitions and festivals all over the US and Canada), but also teaching them how to develop the long-term life skills they need to be successful in the world.
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